The most repeated question I am getting at the moment is “How are you doing?” The chaos that we entered officially on Monday which became public in the middle of the week has huge implications for me and our family… not to mention the entire diocese. I’d like to explore some thoughts here on the matter of what all this means to me and for me. I am confident that much of what I write here will be equally true of others and some things will be far more true for others than me. I hope that makes sense.
This morning listening to a sermon on Exodus 14, the preacher suggested that being helpless is good for our dependence on God. That is a helpful thought for me right now that I will keep with me for a while. He went on to suggest that fear will make us miserable, God’s best requires faith, and God’s glory is the goal. Thinking about Pharaoh’s army coming after the Israelites, it’s not hard to begin reflecting on how 815 (the national office for The Episcopal Church) might just mount up an army of lawyers and come after our diocese. That is where things get scary. I think job loss in this economy with three kids in college and a house that would be hard to sell above the balance on the mortgage is frightening enough. There is much to lose.
What I think most people in this diocese will struggle with is loss. It’s not a loss of their church if their church stays intact. I pray that most of our churches will remain intact and not split over the issue. Some though will feel the need to leave their congregation because they don’t want to follow the majority of people in their parish. Each of our churches faces a decision as to whether they will stand with our bishop or not in these matters. Really though, the loss that is most common will be a loss of identity. For the lifelong Episcopalian, it’s a denominational affiliation that no longer exists. Who are we then? We have not gone anywhere. We have not changed who we are and yet we are no longer part of The Episcopal Church. We remain the Protestant Episcopal Diocese of South Carolina – which we have been for hundreds of years – just no longer part of The Episcopal Church. So, “cradled” Episcopalians and clergy will feel this loss of identity most powerfully. I am neither. So what is my loss?
This may seem strange, but those who know me will understand I think. I lost my identity as part of the black sheep diocese. We were the anomaly in The Episcopal Church. I loved being part of the exception to the norm. While working for the first church that employed me as a youth minister, I was once introduced to someone as an anomaly and frankly I thought that was cool. The reference was to the fact that in the context of a very traditional church I was organizing rock concerts of a wide variety for the youth ministry. We hosted music groups that played stuff ahead of it’s time and I relished that – even though it was risky at times. So, my years (11 now) in the Diocese of SC have seen us become more and more of a pariah. I used to have to explain to people that my diocese was not part of the norm, but that became increasingly well known. I remember well the reaction people had to my name badge at General Convention 2003 because it said “Diocese of SC”. It ended conversations abruptly on several occasions. We could enter an elevator and when people saw our name badge, all conversations ceased. I should probably repent of having enjoyed that in a way. It bothered me when a neighboring diocese wanted to invite me to speak to their youth leaders at a training retreat but the bishop there killed the idea. Yet God opened other doors over time and connected me to people who valued what we have to offer North American Anglicanism (The Episcopal Church and other streams). So, my loss is not the same as many of my friends who have years invested in The Episcopal Church. I have always seen myself as part of the rebels… an outsider… a black sheep. By the way, having seen a lot of black sheep in my years in England, I must say they are often very beautiful creatures.
The other loss that comes with the disaffiliation with The Episcopal Church is the loss of security. No one knows our future. We don’t have a clear path ahead of us and without knowing what 815 will do next, we don’t know if we are going to face an aggressive attack or what they might do. Lots of us no longer have any job security. However, in our office we kissed that goodbye a few years ago. We have been expecting a scenario like this for some time. Last year we were told the budget projections did not include our jobs, so we prayed and God came through with a budget consistent with the previous year. We have no idea what to expect next but we have learned not to count on a future as far as our jobs go. We do know that God answers prayers and that He looks after His servants. That does not mean the avoidance of hardships though.
What’s next? Thoughts on what it might mean to “stand firm”, fight fear, and look for God’s glory in it all.
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