The Heart & The Soul

May 25, exactly 6 months to the day from my brother’s death, I found myself in the hospital for the first overnight stay since I was born. I was in Atrial Fibrillation, an irregular heartbeat that began with some palpitations.  I had heart palpitations before, but this time it left me with this weird beat.  I knew right away that my heart was not right.  Funny how we use that phrase amongst Christians… that one’s heart is either right or not to express something spiritual. Well, my heart literally was messed up… and I wondered if it was reflecting something spiritual as well.  It took a good long while before I was able to relax again after that experience.  For weeks on end I was nervous that my ticker would go back into weirdness.  Since then I have been keenly aware of every change in my heart rate or blood pressure. Most of our lives we live unaware of the beat of our heart.  That is no longer my experience.  I am constantly aware if I have too much caffeine or exert myself. Anything that stirs my heart is felt in my chest.

It was thought that my “a-fib”, as they call it amongst cardiologists, was caused by medication I was taking for Narcolepsy.  I only found out a year ago that I have this condition (narcolepsy) which I more than likely inherited from my grandfather. It has actually bothered me for many years… most of which I felt guilty for.  I was constantly tired and it was getting progressively worse. I felt guilty that I could not concentrate during long meetings, or focus on phone calls in the afternoon, or needed a nap about 4pm every day.  I felt very guilty that I struggled to get my work done and was not always fully present in the company of people. It has made being relational a major challenge. I think it is safe to say that my state of mind and heart has changed significantly during this time.

So, I had hoped that my experience back in May was a “one off” and that I would not deal with a-fib again.  My neurology doctors treating me for Narcolepsy decided to try treatment for sleep apnea, something I have as well, but not nearly as significantly as the Narcolepsy.  So, I did another sleep study and put the Darth Vader breathing assistance on and slept for a night in the study center.  Then I got my own CPAP machine and tried it out.  That night I got about three hours in and found my heart doing weird things, so I shut it off and slept without it.  The next morning I wake with a-fib.  I am not sure the CPAP machine was to blame but cannot help but wonder.  When the a-fib did not go away, I had to report to the ER and get checked out. Fortunately, they did not keep me overnight or admit me, but sent me home. I spent that night with a-fib going on.  It is a weird feeling that your heart is not beating properly.  The next day my heart returned to normal.  All the tests of my heart turned out great.  There appears to be nothing wrong, but I know that is not exactly true.

So, what is next? I see the cardiologist in a week.  Maybe more or different medications.  I am not fond of medications as a solution. Will I get an answer?  I don’t know.  One thing I do know is that my heart is not right and that feels like both a physical and spiritual reality. The two are deeply related.  Calvin starts his Institutes with the observation that the knowledge of God and the knowledge of self are intertwined and which precedes which is not clear. The extent to which we know God is related to the extent to which we know ourselves. We shall see what God has in store for me.