A Curse Or Gift?

“It’s the curse that comes with arrhythmia”. This was what my electro-cardiologist stated after I described a condition I have experienced since Memorial Day weekend of this year. I wasn’t sure if my imagination had been expanded or I was experiencing some strange type of anxiety disorder.  As I described it to the doctor, ever since I experienced Atrial Fibrillation for the first time, I have been acutely aware of every tick and every change in my heartbeat.  I experience every minor discomfort, micro pain, and changes in heart rate or blood pressure as if my chest were transparent and I was looking at it through a magnifying glass. It was rather disconcerting at first and the three or four weeks following my first bout with A-Fib were filled with anxiety that heightened my sensitivity. Even after all the cardiac tests showed that my heart was fine, I remained with this awareness. I explained all this to him, at which point he made the statement that it is a curse that I may live with the rest of my life. Apparently this is the common experience of those who suffer from arrhythmia.  Now I understand what my younger brother lived with. At first I thought that the Lord had decided to show me what my brother’s experience was like. Yet when it did not really go away, I began to wonder what the point was.  Is this a curse? Is this a gift?  It seems like a curse in that most people get to go around in life not conscious of their heartbeat with no worries about the very function that keeps them alive.  Yet, it may be a blessing that I know what is going on inside my chest and be aware if something changes.

I can’t help but wonder about the spiritual parallel here. God has my attention focused on my heart and it’s not just my vital organ.  I have work to do physically to make changes in my diet (which was fairly healthy already), my lifestyle, and all that in hopes of staving off future bouts of A-Fib. I have work to do on my heart spiritually in order to have the most healthy and fruitful relationship with God. The past years have been difficult due to a number of events and circumstances. The time is right for the vigorous pursuit of a healthy heart on all levels.  We are coming up on the first anniversary of the death of my little brother Steve (November 25th). I say little because he was 5 and a half years younger and a bit shorter than I. He passed away at age 43 and I believe he had the curse of arrhythmia for at least the final ten years of his life.  Steve apparently did some soul searching in his final years and I really sensed that he knew where his heart was spiritually in the end.

Now, back to youth ministry issues… (since this is what this blog is about)